16 years ago, on Sept. 21 I welcomed a little sweetheart into my world. 7 pounds, 3 ounces of perfection. The moment she was placed in my arms a radiant beam of sunlight shone through the hospital window, down onto her face. I knew God had put her in my life for a reason. Originally, her name was to be Erica Jade Jakma, but when I was asked, "So, what is her name?" I added the Elizabeth. I wanted it....for my Mom (and sister Sara). Erica Jade Elizabeth it was! I thought it was the most beautiful name in whole world! Our first day was trying, as her little tears would not stop. I could not figure out what was upsetting her so much. Hmmm...maybe try a diaper change? haha.
Our first 5 weeks together were exhausting. She would not let me put her down. I held her constantly and barely got a wink of sleep myself. At 5 weeks, we went to visit Nanny who, in her wisdom, suggested I just "let her cry". How could I do such a thing to a teeny baby? It was like torture, hearing her cry her little head off. But, after the first night my sweet angel slept through the nights, without me holding her! Phew!
By the time Erica was one, I could see her sweet personality shining through. She was obediant, happy, fun and silly. She was such a blessing :) I bought a 1997 calender and flipped the pages to Sept. to write a big fat 2 on that date. I couldnt believe my baby was gonna be 2. I stared at that number for what seemed like an eternity, imagining what she would be like. 2 years old!
That's when I found out I was pregnant with twins. Although Erica was so young, she totally understood that I had "babies in my belly". We'd sit for hours, reading the book "What to expect when you're expecting". She grasped the consept of pregnancy and started talking to my belly. When we found out I was having boys, we named them immediately, and everywhere we went Erica was sure to tell anyone who asked "Mommy has 2 babies. Jacob and Cameron!" She could not wait to see her baby brothers. She helped me decorate their room, fold their little clothes and get things ready for their arrival.
January 17th....arrival of the babies! Erica was so naturally calm...excited but calm. The boys were seperated at birth, Cameron stayed at Mt. Sinai, Jacob to Sick Kids (where at the time had a visitor ban due to a germ that was spreading through the hospital) Erica came to visit her new brothers and walked the halls, calling out in her little baby voice "Babies! Where are you? Babies?". It was so precious. She got to meet her little brother Cameron but was not able to meet Jacob for some time. Erica bonded with Jacob first, as he was first to come home from the hospital, and it confused her to no end why we didn't have "2 babies" at home. I think her little heart hurt for Cameron :( When Cameron finally came home though, she wanted nothing to do with him for at least 3 months! haha.
Erica, even at such a young age, and pretty much still a baby herself, was such a big helper. Fetching diapers, clothes, etc....she even went as far as wanting to breast feed the babies! She'd nurse 2 of her dolls beside me as I nursed her brothers. So cute! She was such an amazing big sister. There were times she would want to take the babies for a walk, so I'd put one of them in her doll stroller and she'd walk them all over the house! Reading time was especially cute, as the boys would sit in their seats on either side of their big sister and she'd read nursery ryhmes to them. "Hicky dicky dock a mousa uppa cock" was my favorite!!
As time passed, my beautiful baby grew and before I knew it, she was graduating from grade 8. Auntie Jeseka made her dress, I did her hair and make up and she looked all grown up. I fought back tears as I watched her go with her friends up to the stage at her school to receive their diplomas. Where had the time gone? She was still the same little Erica, sweet, loving, caring, gentle, happy and silly...just in a bigger body.
Starting grade 9 was a hard thing for me to accept. School uniforms (where the skirts were WAY too short I may add), time tables, rotating classes, older boys....ahhhhh!!! I wished her back in kindergarten!
Erica remained sweet, loving, caring and fun...however developed an incredible disease called "forgettingism". hahaha. This forgettingism put a cramp in my parenting style, as I started facing challenges I had never had to face with her before. I was put to the test as a parent and had to make smart discipline decisions.
My baby blossomed all too quickly into a gorgeous young woman. At times, I'd sneak into her room while she was sleeping and just stare at her, only to notice the look on her face while she slept looked so much like when she was a baby. Isn't it funny how parents just LOVE seeing their kids sleep?
Now, her birthday is right around the corner and my sweet little baby will be 16. I would love nothing more than to be able to wake up that morning to kiss her and hug her and wish her a great day. I was going to omit my sadness in this post, only to spare hurt feelings, but I can't deny that her leaving a few months ago has scarred me. She would deny it to her grave, but I know she left for reasons she will not admit to. We were struggling in our relatioship, fighting all the time. I was at my wits end, not knowing how to parent her anymore and I think she was at her wits end at being my daughter. I had realistic expectations, but in her eyes they were impossible. We were at the end of our ropes, and neither of us had strength left to hang on.
Her empty bedroom makes me sad, and even though I redecorated it I still feel she belongs there. On her bed. Listening to music and on her computer. I feel like a piece of my heart has been taken and I'll never get it back. Despite our fighting, our arguements,the frustrations....I love my baby girl. She is such a joy to me. She made me smile when I thought smiling was impossible, she brought color to a grey day, she inspired and encouraged me and at the end of a hard day, I could always sneak into her room and peek at her, content in knowing she is mine!
I miss my girl. I miss hearing her laugh out loud at something random, I miss her jumping out from around the corner in attempt to scare me, I miss the clicking sound her big toes make when she walks, I miss the weird faces she would make, I miss her awful singing when she is doing the dishes...hang on, I can't see my screen anymore, tears are in the way.
I miss her voice, telling me she loves me 100 times a day, I miss her calling me "Mommy". I miss her telling me about her day and how many times she hurt herself (my little clutz) I miss our mirror notes, and our girls nights and our Wednesday cook offs. See, I always thought our fighting was balanced by our love.
I never wanted her to leave.
Wow, this was a depressing way to say Happy Birthday!
Erica....I love you so much. I miss you and I pray every day that you are happy, safe and loved where you are.
Mommy
Awwwwww.
ReplyDeleteWhat a tear jerker!! Has Erica read this yet?
It's odd reading this and you are describing her as a toddler (just like my kids are)... then fast forward to gr. 8 grad!! Holy Moly, it goes quickly. Thanks for the reminder. xo